Buenos Aires, Argentina → Madrid · Lavapiés

May 19, 2023

1. Diary

   susi rolled her eyes at me when i tried to get her to fetch. she’s been sassy lately, the little shit. bar shift was slow tonight, just me and the bartender dude arguing about who makes the best gin & tonic. i say it’s all in the tonic, he says it’s the gin. whatever, i just want to draw on napkins and keep the drinks coming.

   some girl was in again, the one with the wild hair and mismatched socks. she makes me laugh, even when i’m trying to be serious, talking about art and what it means to be a 'real' artist. i rolled my eyes. can’t i just be me?

   then there’s the money situation. it’s like a dark cloud above my head. counting coins at the end of shifts is no way to live. still, i guess i’m lucky to be here, in this warm chaos of lavapiés. the night ended with a walk home under a sky full of stars, susi trotting beside me. no worries for tonight, just the moon shining down, a little reminder that there’s still some magic out there.

May 21, 2023

1. Diary

   some days just drag. couldn't even get susi to play fetch, she just stared at me like i was crazy 😂. work was a total snooze—just me and that bartender dude going back and forth about who makes the better cocktails. we both know it's him, but my ego couldn’t handle it.

   got my phone call with mom in, though. she asked about my drawings, and it hit different today. told her i was working on “art” but really just doodling on napkins during shifts. she said, “you’re still an artist, baby.” sure, mom. if you say so.

   trying to not think about money, but it’s always creeping in. rent's due in a week and my bank account is a sad joke. need more freelance gigs or something.

   the air’s been weird today—kinda heavy. not like anything's coming, just... blah. i miss the rush of creating, but it feels like i’m just treading water. whatever, tomorrow's another day. at least there’s a late shift to look forward to. 🥴 #artstruggle #needinspiration

Jun 15, 2023

1. Diary

   susi chewed through another pair of my socks. little monster. guess she prefers to destroy my things instead of fetching. 😒 bar shift was a shitshow, no customers, just me and the bartender dude tossing around half-hearted jokes. he sneezed on the bar top and I nearly threw up in my mouth. seriously, dude, cover your damn mouth!

   decided to sketch the regulars again, but no one showed up. just me and a crumpled napkin. drew a sad dog instead—maybe a self-portrait? my mom called later. she said she misses me. I said I miss her too, but it’s complicated. we talked about everything and nothing, the usual.

   susi is snoring now, curled up like a little burrito on the couch. her doggy warmth is kinda nice, after a long night. I don't feel like a real artist today, but maybe tomorrow? I’ll figure it out. or not. the world’s still out there, waiting. 🌧️

Jun 16, 2023

1. Diary

   susi finally fetched today! or maybe she just thought it was a game to see how long i’d chase her. little diva. after our standoff last week, i think she’s finally coming around. bar was decent, weird crowd though—dude tried to impress me with his "knowledge" of art. like, please, just buy a drink and leave the critiques to the professionals. 😂

   caught up with a friend on the rota, javi. he’s been going on about this new exhibit opening next week. said he's got tickets and i should come. not really feeling it, but i miss the energy of a gallery. who knows, maybe it’ll spark something? art’s been feeling like a ghost lately, like just a memory of what i used to do.

   mom called tonight, she’s trying to get me to visit. it’s been ages but i’m not sure i can handle the pressure right now. she keeps asking if i'll be an artist again, like it’s that simple.

   the night is quiet, almost too quiet, just the hum of the fridge and susi snoring in the corner. feels like everything’s in a holding pattern. maybe tomorrow will be better. 🌙 #artlife #susi_adjunct

2. Diary

   susi is my best friend again. finally fetched the ball today! maybe she just wanted to see how long i’d chase her, but whatever. she’s a diva and i can't help but love her. 🎾🐶

   bar was packed last night. like, can we stop with the “happy hour” nonsense? felt like a fucking clown juggling drinks while dodging tipsy idiots. got a nice compliment from this girl though—said my drawings on napkins were “cute.” she was cute too. another one of those fleeting moments, you know? 😏

   caught up with mom on the phone. she’s worried about me because i haven’t made any “real” art lately. i keep saying i’m in a phase but i think she sees right through it. she’s been sending me random memes to cheer me up, which is sweet. my mom is the best. 💖

   weather's turning. overcast. feels too much like the days in berlin, and i’m not ready to go back to that headspace. but then again, feeling a bit lost. need to shake it off. time for another late-night walk with susi. who knows, maybe she’ll show me the magic of fetch again. 🌧️

Jun 17, 2023

1. Diary

   susi has been such a brat lately. just this morning, she dug into the trash again. i swear, that dog is determined to make my life difficult. but on the plus side, she also curled up next to me while i tried to sketch. a little monster with a big heart. 💔

   work was slow again at the bar. what’s new, right? just me and lola exchanging eye rolls over empty chairs. another night of listening to the same old tracks. the regulars didn’t even show up. makes me wonder if it’s worth it. sometimes i think about selling everything and just traveling. but then i remember my mom’s voice, how she always says to stick it out. “everything passes, mi amor.” easy for her to say.

   i did some doodles on napkins between shifts. one of a dude with a wild mustache who thought he was the life of the party. he had no idea how ridiculous he looked. but i guess that’s the beauty of it, right? the absurdity of it all.

   i keep thinking about that girl. she was there last week, looking at me like she knew something. or maybe i just imagined it. who knows.

   the night ended with a walk home under the stars. cool air on my face. felt good to be outside, away from all the chaos. maybe tomorrow will be better. 🌌 #barlife #artstruggles

Jul 16, 2023

1. Diary

   susi just stared at me this morning like she was the queen of the world. 🐾 i swear, that dog has the attitude of a thousand divas. finally got her to chase the ball again, though. didn’t take long before she was off sniffing something gross instead. little brat. i can’t help but laugh.

   work at the bar was a mess today—ran out of mojito supplies right when it got busy. could’ve punched a wall. one of the regulars, the guy with the awful jokes, thought it was hilarious. he kept cracking up while i was scrambling to find some mint.

   got home later, tired and sticky, but somehow still buzzed from the chaos. 4am walks with susi are the best. she’s all energy, darting around like she’s chasing ghosts. thought about that girl again. the one who comes in sometimes, with the wild hair and the smirk. just wish i could talk to her without losing my nerve.

   longing for something more but don’t know what. is this art? or just me doodling on napkins like a wannabe? at least i’ve got my mom to call in the morning. can always count on her for a reality check. #artlife #bratdog #madridadventures

Jul 21, 2023

1. Diary

   susi found the ball again today. 🐶🎾 like, i actually think she likes it now? she trotted around the park like she owns the place. had a brief runner-in with a cute girl — she smiled at me when i cheered for susi. of course, i panicked and said something totally awkward. *classic*. why can't i just chill?

   shift at the bar was its usual chaos. some tourist group from god knows where singing karaoke badly. i poured more drinks than i can count. made decent tips, though. need to figure out how to stretch this cash for next week.

   called my mom. she’s still doing her routine. always the same. i love hearing her voice, but sometimes it stings, you know? miss her face, miss the comfort of being home. stay strong, i guess.

   got back home late, had a quiet moment with susi. she looked at me like she knows everything. this tired little diva keeps me grounded. night’s cool, perfect for a walk. the city feels empty, just the way i like it. 🌙🖤

Jul 22, 2023

1. Diary

   susi woke me up at 5am barking like a lunatic. thought we were under attack or something. turned out she just wanted to chase her shadow in the hallway. 🐕🙄 i really need to get more sleep.

   work was hell today, too many orders and not enough hands. some guy kept talking about the “authentic” tapas he had last week. like, dude, chill. just serve the food and enjoy it. my patience is wearing thin; tips don’t pay the bills anymore. reminded me why i don’t want to be in this scene forever.

   met up with some friends later for a drink at the bar. lol, we mostly just complained about money and how no one knows what to do with their lives. classic. got home at 2am, tripped over my own feet and nearly spilled my drink. had to laugh it off.

   susi was waiting by the door like a little guardian. it’s weird how she makes everything feel less lonely. i cuddled her until my heart felt lighter. maybe i should just draw her instead of the people at the bar.

   today was a mess, but at least i’m not the only one struggling. the rain’s coming in, feels like the world is washing away another day. 🌧️💔

Aug 19, 2023

1. Diary

   susi just knocked over my paint water again. 🙄 it's like she knows i'm trying to work. tried to sketch some ideas for this new piece — something about feeling lost in this city, or whatever. can't even think straight with her bouncing around like a maniac.

   caught a glimpse of that girl again by the rastro. her hair was a whole mood — wild, like she's just come from a dream. 😍 of course, i pretended to be super busy with my phone. an artist should be mysterious, right?

   work's been slow at the bar. too many tourists, not enough actual fun. tips have been shit, and i really need to pay the rent next week. maybe i should sell one of my old pieces? not sure.

   had a long call with my mom today, she keeps asking when i'll visit. i don’t know how to explain that it’s not about her, it’s me. still don’t feel like i’m really here. like, am i a "real" artist if i’m just sketching strangers on napkins while waiting for drinks?

   the sky’s gray tonight. feels fitting.

Sep 1, 2023

1. Diary

   susi and i had a long shift at the bar tonight. it was one of those nights where the energy was all over the place. a couple of dudes were too loud, but then a group of girls came in, and suddenly it felt like a gallery opening — all laughter and bright ideas. 🌈✨

   some guy ordered a cocktail, and i accidentally put way too much gin in it. he didn't notice, just went on about how “this city is magic.” magic? more like chaos. but i get it, sometimes. the way the light hits the buildings at sunset, i almost forget i’m broke and stressed. almost.

   susi was waiting for me at home, tail wagging like a metronome. she seems to get me more than anyone these days. 🐾 i sketched her the other day — just a quick one on a napkin. it's silly, but it felt good to put something down again. sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever be a ‘real’ artist. like, what does that even mean? 🤔

   gotta figure something out with my mom this weekend. she’s always asking if i'm okay. i tell her i am, but who really knows? the nights blur together here, and i’m still just floating.

   the air was a bit cooler tonight, maybe autumn is creeping in. but it felt like a reminder — endings can be good too, right? 🌬️🍂

Sep 8, 2023

1. Diary

   susi finally slept through the night. thank the gods, that furball can bark. had a weird shift at the bar. half of the crowd was super chill, just vibing, but then there were these two guys who wouldn’t stop arguing about some dumb video game. like, dude, it’s just pixels! 🎮🙄

   after they left, that girl from last week showed up again, the one with the tattoos and the wild hair. can't get a read on her. she has this way of looking at me, like she’s seeing through all the bullshit. i drew her on a napkin while pouring drinks. she didn’t notice, but the sketch kinda made me feel like an artist again, you know?

   post-shift walk home was quiet. cool air hitting my face, the street lamps flickering like they’re about to give up. reminded me of when i thought i wanted to paint sunsets. now it’s just about trying to pay the rent.

   called my mom earlier. she’s okay, just worried about my money situation. told her i’m fine. didn’t mention the art stuff. feels like too much to explain. i just want to figure this out without dragging her into it.

   anyway, gonna crash soon. maybe a sketch tomorrow if i can manage it. or maybe i’ll just watch something mindless. who knows? 🤷‍♀️

Sep 12, 2023

1. Diary

   susi's out cold, finally. thank f***. had a long night at the bar, like usual. the vibe was all over the place — a mix of drama and laughter. one chick spilled her drink on my sketches, then apologized in a way that made me think she wanted my number. like, girl, don’t play.

   got a message from my mom today. she’s been talking about the weather back home. “it’s chilly, perfect for mate,” she said. i miss that. sitting in the living room, the two of us. but this city keeps pulling me in, you know?

   i tried to sketch some more ideas today. thought about how lost i feel sometimes. like am i just faking it? should i go back home and stop pretending to be an artist? a real artist wouldn’t be sitting in a bar, right?

   now it's just me and susi, and maybe i’ll grab some ice cream later. i deserve it. this city can be tough, but i guess so can i. 🌈✨ #artlife #madridadventures

Nov 3, 2023

1. Diary

   another long night at the bar. susi was a champ again, curled up in the corner while i served drinks. the usual crowd, but tonight one girl kept looking at me. don't know her name, but she had this cool vibe. reminded me of the art students back in buenos aires, messy hair and killer sneakers.

   i drew a couple of sketches on napkins between orders. one was of the girl — she had a look like she was ready to take on the world. perfect mix of confidence and vulnerability. i think i might be crushing on her? or maybe it’s just the late-night bar haze. who knows.

   money’s tight this week. i should probably think about picking up more shifts, but the art itch is creeping back. haven’t touched a brush in too long. feels like my brain is buffering or something. should probably hit up mom this weekend, get a little grounding.

   the night ended with me walking home under the streetlights. the autumn chill creeping in, leaves everywhere. feels like change is in the air, you know? but still the same me, just trying to figure out how to be a “real” artist while bartending. not sure how that works yet. ✨ #artlife #barshift

Nov 12, 2023

1. Diary

   susi's been pestering me for a walk since sunrise. damn dog, always ready for adventure. the sun is out, bright but not too hot. decent day for a change.

   worked the bar last night, same chaotic energy. half the crowd was tipsy and loud, the other half lost in their phones. i drew a couple of strangers on napkins — a dude with a top hat and a girl who looked like she walked off a movie set. maybe i should start charging for my doodles.

   that girl from last week came back, the one who keeps staring. she had a friend with her, more chill, like a perfect sidekick. caught her looking again, but i was too busy dodging drunks to say anything. probably should've, but what’s the worst that could happen?

   got home at 4 am. susi was waiting, tail wagging like she hadn't seen me in days. how does she do that? magic dog.

   spent the morning scrolling through art ideas, feeling that familiar mix of dread and hope. should i really be doing this? am i a ‘real’ artist? the question haunts me. should've sent mom a message. she always knows what to say. maybe later. now, it’s walk time. need to breathe, feel the sun on my face, shake off last night’s vibe.

   the street's quiet, a bit of wind. feels like an ending, but maybe that’s okay.

Nov 28, 2023

1. Diary

   susi's snoring like a chainsaw. finally home after another shift at la barra. the usual chaos — drink spills, flirtations, and too many awkward moments. one girl tried to hit on me with a lame pick-up line about art. like, girl, please. art school dropout here, not some pretentious painter.

   decided to sketch a dude with an epic mustache on a napkin while waiting for the next round. got lost in it. it’s weird, sometimes it feels like the only time i’m actually doing art is when i’m half-drunk and doodling on a bar napkin.

   mom called earlier, she’s been good. talking about everything and nothing. always makes me feel more grounded, even from miles away.

   the weather’s finally turning cold. starting to feel like winter, which is kinda nice but also a drag. the streets are emptying out at night. it’s getting darker earlier. wish i could feel a bit more inspired instead of just surviving each day. #mood

Dec 9, 2023

1. Diary

   the weather's shit today. cloudy, cold. like it’s matching my mood. susi’s been lying around, probably sensing my vibe. didn’t feel like drawing, didn’t feel like much. just a week of money worries piling up.

   worked the bar again, same crowd. but tonight? that girl from last week came back. she didn’t look at me this time, just ordered a gin and tonic. i could feel her not looking. weird tension. felt like a stupid schoolgirl. i don’t even know what i’d say if she came over. “hey, i remember you. you were staring like a creep.” 😂

   my mom called earlier. she’s been worried about me. i lied, said everything’s fine. but how can i tell her? just another night of drudgery and dodging the feeling of being a ‘real’ artist. am i just a bartender who doodles on napkins? it’s exhausting.

   not sure what to do about that girl. for now, more bar shifts to cover rent. more walks with susi while the world is grey.

Dec 11, 2023

1. Diary

   susi finally got her walk today! she dragged me out the door, energy like a puppy even though she’s a bit older now. we hit the little park near the bar, sun was out and it felt like a real break from this cold snap. people were out, but it was chill, not too many crowds. i sketched a couple of folks on napkins while susi sniffed around.

   came back to the flat and the silence hit hard. it’s weird — feels like i haven’t made anything worth a damn lately. keep thinking about that one girl from the bar who keeps popping up in my mind. am i supposed to make something of that? or just let it drift? part of me wants to dive into a project, but the money’s tight. not sure if i can afford to be an artist right now.

   the phone call with mom was good though. she always gets me back on track, y’know? she misses me. i miss her too.

   susi’s curled up next to me now, her snores a little less chainsaw-like today. the sky outside is fading to dusk, and it feels like one of those endings again. just trying to figure out what comes next.

Dec 12, 2023

1. Diary

   susi's snoring is like a lullaby now, but damn, this day was a mess. woke up late, barely made it to the bar on time. my head was pounding from last night’s shifts. the regulars were rowdy — heard too many bad pickup lines. one guy spilled his drink all over my sketches on the bar. 😤 it’s like can you not?

   got a text from that spanish girl again. why does she pop up when i’m trying to focus? maybe it’s the universe messing with me. i can’t even tell if she’s interested or just friendly. mixed signals, like a game of ping pong.

   susi and i took our usual post-shift walk. the cold air hit different tonight, and i found myself staring at the stars — but it felt like they were judging me. why can’t i just be making art?

   i called my mom later. she says i should be proud of holding it together, but i don’t feel that way. sometimes i wonder if i’m just a bartender with dreams of being some “real” artist. stupid ideas crowding my mind.

   walking home, the streets were empty. the light from the lampposts flickered. felt like an ending, like the world was winding down and i was just... here.

2. Diary

   woke up to the sound of susi’s snoring, the only peaceful thing in this chaotic life. spilled coffee on my shirt right before my shift. classic. the bar was a disaster today. regulars were rowdy af, like they hadn’t seen the sun in weeks. spent half the night drawing on napkins instead of actually working. some guy asked if i was an artist. i just laughed, like, does it count if i draw strangers for tips? 🎨🙃

   got stuck in a deep convo with this girl at the bar. she has this wild energy, like the spark of a match flickering before it burns out. her laugh was contagious, but i kept thinking, why can’t i feel that spark? i feel more like a burnt-out candle lately.

   afterwards, the walk home felt like trudging through molasses. fog everywhere, couldn’t see the end of the street. just me and the ghost of my thoughts. wish i could just make things instead of poring over bills and worrying about next week.

   susi’s curled up at my feet now, the only thing making this mess worth it. if only she could talk. she’d probably say, “stop overthinking and just draw, idiot.” ☁️ #tired #artstruggles #moneyblues

Jan 13, 2024

1. Diary

   susi's been glued to my side all day, and honestly, it’s a mood. i spent most of the afternoon on the couch scrolling through old art posts, feeling kind of lost. should i even call myself an artist anymore? sketching on napkins doesn’t count, right? but then again, who decides that?

   the bar shifts have been wild lately. last night, some guy tried to hit on me while i was pouring drinks. i just shot him a look—a mix of “are you serious?” and “please, no.” he got the message. my brain is in this weird space, like a foggy window that won’t clear.

   called mom earlier, her voice is always a cozy blanket. she said i should just draw whatever comes to me, but it’s hard to break through the noise. if only it was that easy, right?

   the weather's been dark and gloomy, but it’s cozy in here. maybe tomorrow i’ll finally take susi out and let the sun burn off some of this haze. but tonight, it’s just me and her, and that’s enough.

Jan 14, 2024

1. Diary

   woke up feeling like a raccoon. susi's snoring was still my only soundtrack. tried to shake off the hangover with a strong coffee — spilled half. classic me.

   the bar was chaotic. same old drama with the regulars. one guy kept trying to chat me up. like, dude, i’m not in the mood. my head's still spinning from last night. my brain's like an unfinished canvas, you know?

   saw that girl again, the one from the gallery. she’s got this spark, but damn if i can figure out if it’s just my imagination playing tricks. can’t tell if it’s my artist brain or just my crush getting out of control.

   managed to doodle on a napkin during a slow moment. a random stranger who looked lost, like me. guess some things never change.

   the walk home was cold. felt good, though. clear night. stars or whatever. susi was on a mission to sniff every corner. sometimes, i wonder if i can just be that simple. 🐾✨

   another week ahead. bills piling up. art not happening. but here i am. still standing. #life #artstruggles #barlife

Jan 17, 2024

1. Diary

   woke up to susi licking my face like the world’s worst alarm clock. her fur smells like wet dog and comfort. rolled out of bed feeling like a bag of smashed potatoes, but i still dragged myself to the kitchen for coffee. spilled it AGAIN. can’t believe this is my life.

   shift at the bar was a blur. the regulars were rowdy and everyone had drama. some dude tried to hit on me while i was pouring drinks. i just laughed, told him he’d have better luck with the plants. of course, that made him try harder. classic.

   after work, walked home alone under a cloudy sky. thought about all the art i haven't made lately. the sketches are piling up but they feel like ghosts. some random girl came in today, looked like she stepped out of a painting. she caught me staring. awkward.

   got home, susi greeted me like a celebrity. she doesn’t care about my failures, just wants belly rubs and treats. maybe art isn’t everything? i don’t know.

   the night’s cold, and the clouds are heavy. feels like an ending.

Feb 12, 2024

1. Diary

   susi and i had a rough morning. she was restless, pacing like she knew something was up. maybe she can feel my brain short-circuiting. all these thoughts swirling, like, am i making art or just existing? blasted through another day at the bar. had a regular come in, belted out some awful karaoke. i poured a double just to cope. got a message from that girl again, the one who always seems to ghost me right when i think we’re vibing. what a joke.

   my sister called while i was cleaning up — talked about random stuff, school, friends. still feels weird not being there. mom’s cool with it though. she sends me funny memes to lighten up my shifts. that always helps.

   took susi for a walk after, under this gray sky. sometimes it feels like life is just one long blur of shifts and scrolling. had a nice moment watching her chase after the pigeons. wish i could capture that. still no drawings lately. just the nagging feeling that i should be doing more. maybe tomorrow. for now, the clouds are closing in — might rain soon. guess that’s my cue to curl up with my pup and binge more terrible reality shows.

Mar 13, 2024

1. Diary

   woke up late. susi was already giving me that look — the "feed me now" stare. coffee was lukewarm but whatever, it’s enough to get me through another shift. bar was packed. the regulars mixed with new faces, all talking over each other, like a damn art installation gone wrong. one girl kept trying to talk to me, but i was in one of those moods. you know the ones.

   felt like an imposter, again. am i even an artist? sketches on napkins don’t count for shit compared to some of these people. they’re real. me? just a ghost at the bar, half-listening, half-drawing.

   susi curled up next to me as i cleaned up. her snoring is the soundtrack that grounds me, somehow. it’s like the chaos fades away when she’s there. called my mom later. she asked about my art. told her i'm working on it. she believed me.

   maybe tomorrow, i’ll take a walk and just… draw. try to shake this feeling off. night ended with me staring at the stars, feeling small. spring is coming, but tonight was still cold. a reminder that i’m not quite ready for the warmth yet.

Mar 19, 2024

1. Diary

   woke up late again, thanks to susi's relentless nudging. she’s relentless like a little furry alarm clock, but i can’t really be mad. rolled out of bed, showered, threw on the same old black jeans — can’t remember the last time i wore anything else. the bar was dead today. maybe everyone’s still recovering from the weekend? or maybe they just have better things to do than listen to me complain about money.

   caught up with a couple of regulars, one of them dropped a line about some art exhibit opening next week. thought about going. then thought about sitting on my couch and scrolling through memes instead. art feels like this distant planet i used to live on, like am i even a “real” artist anymore?

   ran into that girl again, the one with the wild hair and unfiltered laugh. she came in for a quick drink and for a second, everything felt lighter. shared some nonsense about the latest neighborhood gossip. her smile made me forget about the mounting bills for a bit. but then she left, and the bar felt heavy again.

   susi was happy to see me when i got home, tail wagging like crazy. took her for a walk in the cold night. it’s still winter here, that biting chill that cuts right through — feels like an ending sometimes. just me and her, no big thoughts, just the sound of her paws on the pavement. #dogmomlife 🌙

Mar 30, 2024

1. Diary

   another shitshow of a day. woke up to susi staring at me again, her face a mix of “let’s go” and “you’re a mess.” it’s raining, of course. perfect weather for introspection, right? ha. like i’m gonna figure anything out today.

   spent a couple hours doodling on napkins, trying to capture the vibe of the bar last night. some regulars were there, same old faces. one of them, a cute girl with a killer smile, kept catching my eye. she lingers on the edge of my mind, like a recurring glitch in my brain. am i too much of a coward to say anything?

   money’s tight. again. need to figure out how to make art that actually sells. too many unfinished sketches piling up. is this even what being an artist looks like?

   called my mom later, she asked about susi first — of course. she always worries. it’s sweet. we laughed about random stuff, but i couldn’t shake off the feeling that i’m stuck in some weird limbo.

   the rain’s still coming down. feels like an ending. not sure what’s next, but the gray clouds are a mess of their own. guess it’s just another day in this chaotic life.

Apr 1, 2024

1. Diary

   susi's been extra clingy lately. she knows it’s been rough. dragged my ass out of bed, coffee didn’t even taste like coffee. just hot brown water. 💩 flat at the bar today was a goddamn circus. can’t even describe the chaos. the regulars were buzzing like bees, and i was stuck pouring drinks, dodging requests, and trying to keep my head above water.

   thought about the girl again, the one who keeps appearing in my head like a weird ghost. does she even know? or am i just another blur in her bar-hopping night? need to stop this spiral of daydreaming. a “real” artist doesn't waste time on fantasies, right?

   susi’s paws on my knee now. she’s my grounding force, keeps me from floating away into this artist's void. finally took a moment to sketch her on a napkin at the bar. it’ll have to do for today.

   gotta wrap it up soon, but the rain’s back. perfect, right? another night to wander home in the drizzle, thinking about everything and nothing. 🐾🌧️

Apr 15, 2024

1. Diary

   susi woke me again, her little paws tapping on my face like a drum. i swear she’s part bird. coffee still tastes like crap; must be broken.

   i dodged a shift tonight at the bar. too many people, too many faces trying to talk to me. the new bartender is a dude with a chipped tooth and a laugh that sounds like a dog barking. charming, for sure, but not what i need right now. i ended up sketching the regulars instead. one guy, always with a hat, was deep in thought, sipping his beer like it was the last drop of joy in the world.

   called mamá, talked about everything and nothing. i can hear her smile through the phone. she asked about my art—i just said ‘working on it’ again. she believes in me, but i’m stuck in this weird limbo. should go back to the Kunsthochschule? i don’t know.

   came home and threw myself on the couch. susi curled up against my side. she’s my tiny therapist, all fur and warmth. maybe that’s enough.

   the rain started again, tapping on the window like it’s reminding me to cry. this weather just feels like an ending whispering: get your act together. but for now, it’s just me and my dog. 🌧️

Apr 17, 2024

1. Diary

   susi woke me again. seriously, why is she like this? but, her little face… couldn't stay mad. dragged myself out of bed, coffee still tastes like a dumpster fire. like, am i losing my touch or just my sanity? 🤷‍♀️

   had a long walk to the bar today, and it's raining again. not the cute kind – more like the "you're gonna regret this whole existence" drizzle. caught a glimpse of a mural on some random wall – bright colors, someone painted a dog that looked like a cartoon version of susi. made me smile for a sec.

   the bar was empty when i got there; just me and that annoying flickering light. tried to draw something on a napkin, but the lines were all wrong. just a mess of scribbles. a metaphor, maybe?

   susi's been all over me lately, like she knows. did a video call with mom; she asked about my art. told her i'm "working on it" – which is code for "scrolling through Instagram looking for inspiration." not great.

   walked home at 4 am, and everything felt off. the rain picked up, puddles everywhere, reflection of city lights. wished they could wash away the crap. instead, just soaked my shoes. could keep writing, but what's the point? tomorrow’s another day. let's see if it’s less of a shitshow. 🌧️

Apr 26, 2024

1. Diary

   susi's been glued to me all day. like, it’s almost suffocating, but also kinda nice? guess she senses my vibe. dragged myself outta bed, coffee still tastes like burnt rubber. pouring that shit was an act of pure faith.

   hit the bar this evening, the flat was a disaster. a bunch of guys talking too loud about football; couldn’t give less of a fuck. ended up doodling a stranger on a napkin instead of pouring drinks. he had this wild hair and a sad look. weird how some people can just *be* in the moment, y'know?

   that girl from the other night—still haunting my brain. she slipped me her number, but what even is that? just more pressure? “be an artist, make a move!” 😒 i don't know if i’m ready for that.

   susi did that thing where she sits on my feet when i’m drawing. little anchor in this floating mess. skipped my weekly call with mom; didn’t have it in me. need to get it together, find a way to make this work. no idea how.

   clouds rolled in, heavy gray. feels like an ending, but it’s not. just another day.

May 4, 2024

1. Diary

   susi just stared at me this morning. like, really stared. her eyes are like a mirror reflecting my exhaustion, and i couldn’t take it anymore. decided to skip the coffee ritual — who needs the burnt rubber flavor when you have a dog who’s basically a therapist? took her for a walk instead, and the sun actually came out for a sec. felt like a weird gift.

   ran into that girl again. the one from the bar, the one who sketches with charcoal. she was doing that thing where she bites her lip while drawing. made me wanna punch a wall but also, like, in a good way? can’t stop thinking if i should show her my stuff. what am i even doing?

   came home to find my flatmates munching on leftover paella. they invited me in, but i just waved. not in the mood for another round of feeling broke and artistically bankrupt. just wanted my space. buried myself in sketching. made a mess of napkins again.

   susi flopped down next to me, her warmth like a hug. sometimes, she’s the only one that gets it. tonight might be a bar shift. ugh. the thought already has me feeling drained. the streets outside are sticky with the heat, like the end of days.

May 7, 2024

1. Diary

   susi woke me again. seriously, this dog has no chill. her face when she wants to play? it’s a trap, an adorable trap. dragged myself outta bed, coffee was still a disaster. am i stuck in a loop of bad brews?

   spent the day doodling on napkins at the bar. my drawings are getting weirder — like, who are these strangers? one guy had a mustache straight outta a bad telenovela. 😂 he didn’t notice me drawing, just kept telling his friends about the “next big thing” in art.

   also, that girl from the gallery? she was there. i think she recognized me but didn’t say anything. awkward. i’m still trying to figure out if she’s into girls or just really friendly? ugh, why can’t i be smooth?

   called mom later. we talked about her plants. she says they’re thriving. i should visit and see them, but like, who knows when i can afford that?

   post-shift walk home was cold. the wind felt sharp, like it was cutting through my thoughts. always something about late-night streets that makes me think too much. time to sleep. maybe tomorrow will be better.

May 14, 2024

1. Diary

   susi’s been a total shadow lately, always underfoot. today she sat on my lap while i tried to sketch, wiggling like she owns me. it’s cute but also makes concentrating impossible. finished a doodle of some random dude from last night at the bar. his vibe was wild — maybe too much tequila? made a note to draw him again later.

   money’s tight this week, like tight tight. i should probably pick up more shifts, but the thought of dealing with drunk idiots makes me want to puke. had a weird convo with camila about art — she claims i’m a “real” artist just because i draw on napkins. like, bitch, do you even know what real art is? but then, who am i to judge?

   got a message from my mom. she’s worried about me, as usual. i just said i’m fine, but i can hear her voice in my head, nagging about finding something “stable.” whatever that even means.

   i’m still thinking about that spanish girl. she keeps popping into my thoughts, like, hello, why can’t i just let it go?

   the weather’s starting to feel like a joke too. gray and gloomy, perfect for hiding out. it’s like the sky just gives up and decides to blend in with my mood.

May 23, 2024

1. Diary

   susi's been on my last nerve. she dug a hole in the patio again. like, seriously? what does she think is down there? jewels? i had to yank her out before she took a chunk of the neighbor's plants, and she just looked at me like, "what's the problem?" 😒

   worked a double shift at the bar last night. the crowd was dead until 2 AM, then boom—people swarming. a girl spilled her drink on me and then tried to flirt while i cleaned up the mess. she had this wild energy, but there’s something about her that felt like a train wreck waiting to happen. maybe it's just me projecting. who knows?

   made some doodles of her on a napkin, though. couple of rough sketches, one kinda cute. totally don’t know if they’re good or just trash. like, am i even a real artist? can’t stop questioning everything lately.

   after the shift, walked home past that corner with the orange tree. smell was sickly sweet. the whole city felt heavy, like it was holding its breath. rolled a cig while susi sniffed every lamppost. just me and my thoughts at 4 AM again. going in circles. need to figure out the next step, but it feels like a fog. maybe it’s just the lack of sleep. 🌧️

2. Diary

   susi’s been a handful. dug another hole in the patio. like, is she looking for buried treasure or something? can’t she just chill? had to pull her out before she turned the whole place into a disaster zone. chaotic little creature.

   worked a double shift at the bar tonight. same crowd, same jokes, but this one guy kept coming back for more—cute, in that scruffy way. thought maybe i could actually draw him on a napkin, but my brain just fizzled. i’m not even sure why i’m trying to prove anything.

   my mom called, of course. we talked about everything and nothing. she worries about me being alone. i mean, what can you do? it’s my mess, but i still miss her voice, you know? it’s like a warm blanket.

   made it home around 4am. cool night air hit me like a slap. perfect for clearing my head. why can’t i just make art instead of whining about it? maybe tomorrow. if susi lets me. #artistproblems #doglife 🐶

May 26, 2024

1. Diary

   susi’s in a mood again. she spent the morning trying to dig up the patio like it’s some kind of treasure hunt. i swear, she must think she’s a pirate. or maybe a raccoon? every time i catch her, it’s like i’m rescuing a tiny, fluffy disaster. so, i took her to the park after my shift, needed to burn off some of that wild energy.

   saw that same girl, the one who keeps popping up in my thoughts. she sat with her friends, laughing too loud, and i couldn’t look away. why is it so easy to lose focus on everything when she’s around?

   came home to a pile of napkins with sketches from the bar shift. i’m not sure if they’re worth anything, but it felt good to draw strangers, give them life with just a few lines. still don’t know if i’m a “real” artist, though.

   the sun's setting now, all orange and purple like some kind of cliché. makes me think about where i’m headed. should probably take a page from susi's book and dig a little deeper, yeah? 🌅 #artlife #susiadventures

Jun 9, 2024

1. Diary

   susi is still digging. like, what’s with the obsession? she spent the whole afternoon in the same spot. i even tried to distract her with her stupid ball but no. just dirt and the occasional triumphant bark when she finds something—probably a rock. not that she cares.

   bar shifts are dragging on. same old crowd, same terrible jokes. this one guy keeps trying to flirt with me but it’s like, nah, dude. not today. at least the tips were decent last night, which is a win for my broke self.

   mom called. she’s still convinced i’m going through some existential crisis. it’s like, no, ma, just living my life in this chaotic mess. we talked about her garden. she asked about my art, and i’m like, still in my head about that. should i even be calling myself an artist? feels like a stretch these days.

   the weather was weird. bright sun, then a sudden downpour. typical. felt like the universe was throwing a curveball. i miss when things seemed easier. now it’s just me, a digging dog, and a series of questionable life choices.

Jun 24, 2024

1. Diary

   susi dug another hole today. like, honestly, what is the deal? it’s not a treasure map, it’s our patio! can't she just, i don’t know, chill for a sec? spent half the morning chasing her around with a shovel. she just looked at me like, “bring it on.” now my back hurts and the patio looks like a war zone.

   had a long shift at the bar last night. same old crowd, but there was this one cute girl — she kept making eye contact. like, am i dreaming or what? i can never tell if it’s real or just the gin messing with my head.

   called my mom, she said she misses me. i should probably visit soon. maybe take her out for empanadas. think she’d like that. maybe. so much to figure out right now — art, money, and now this girl? can i afford another distraction? i dunno, honestly.

   the weather’s been kinda wild. one minute it’s sunny, then boom, rain. just like my mood. typical. just me and susi, digging up the past while life keeps throwing stuff at us. 🌧️ #patioadventures #whatsnext

Jul 11, 2024

1. Diary

   susi finally found something. a weird old bone. i don’t know where it came from, but she was so proud, prancing around with her trophy like she’s won the doggy olympics. 🤦‍♀️ who knows how long it’s been there? might’ve belonged to a dinosaur or just some poor neighborhood dog.

   spent the afternoon drawing again. nothing fancy, just quick sketches of people at the bar. there was this girl, short hair, tattoos everywhere, laughing too loud. she kinda reminded me of the one who keeps showing up in my thoughts after shifts. maybe it’s a sign? 🥴 who the hell knows.

   still trying to figure out this money mess. the bar’s been slow lately. tips are dwindling, and i can’t live off sketching napkin drawings forever. called mom, and she just tells me to “keep it real.” whatever that means.

   the sky’s turning gray, like it knows what i’m feeling. i might take susi for a walk later, let her dig in the dirt again. at least there, i don’t have to think about money or what art i’m not making. #patioadventures #doglife